If you are reading this, I assume you are in one of two positions. Either you have recently suffered a devastating loss of your own, or you know someone who has, and you aren’t sure how best to help them.
Everyone is different and needs something different. We all cope with grief in our own ways. I am going to share what I found to be helpful. Please feel free to take or leave any advice I give based on your personality and situation. If you would like more information about where I am coming from, I will link my story here for you.
To You Who Lost
I want to start out by saying how incredibly sorry I am. I know the hurt and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemies.
Lean on the Lord
The first and most important thing I can tell you is that I don’t know how to survive this experience without the grace and goodness of our Lord Jesus Christ. It was only the knowledge that God has a perfect plan, and that I will see my baby again one day, that got me through. Lean on the Lord. Trust in Him and His goodness, and allow Him to carry you through this season where you don’t know how to get out of bed, let alone walk forward. He will see you through. It is only by His strength that I was able to continue.
It Takes Time
My Aunt has suffered a couple of miscarriages, and she told me that the hurt will never really go away. Those craters will always be there. Eventually, the waters of life will wash over them and cover them so that you are able to think about other things. Eventually, you will be able to think about the loss without breaking down, but it takes time. It takes a different amount of time for everyone. For me, it was about 5 months. For you, it might be 2 weeks or 2 years. Give yourself time and grace in the waiting.
Talk to Someone
I never realized how common miscarriage was till I had one. It is one of those things that no one talks about till it is brought up. Then everyone will share their story. I recommend finding someone to talk to about your experience who has gone through it themselves. I found it so helpful to talk to someone who understood and was able to relate in a way that my well-meaning family, who had never had that happen, was not able to.
Know When to Seek Medical Help
I had pretty severe postpartum anxiety and depression. I am so blessed to have a friend who is a licensed therapist, who was always willing to let me sit on her couch and cry, but I put off getting real medical help for longer than I should have. I was worried about how it would affect my ability to do my job and what the people at work would say. Don’t care about them. It is more important for you to be able to get through the day than what someone else is saying about you. If you need help, get it.
Intent Not Content
A lot of people are going to say a lot of things. None of it is going to be the right thing. I want to encourage you to hear the intent of their words and how they are trying to help, as opposed to what it is that they say that makes you want to cry or rage.
Husbands React Differently
Your husband is probably going to react differently from you. He is probably going to seem to move on faster than you and not grieve as much. There are many reasons for his. Men are generally less emotional than women. It is how they are made, and can’t be faulted for it. They also don’t have the same connection to the baby as you did. It is much harder for a man to connect than it is for a woman. The baby isn’t growing inside them. Give them some grace. I promise it is not because they don’t love you or the child.
Set Boundaries
On the day between the doctor saying she was not hopeful and us getting the positive confirmation, I asked everyone I knew to pray for our baby and for a miracle. The problem was that every time I would get myself together and stop crying, someone else would text me to tell me that they were praying and ask how we were doing (by the way, a terrible question). It would start the tears all over again. Once we found out, I texted all the prayer request group chats to thank them for their prayer, and to let them know that we are aware it will continue, but to please not text me.
It is important to know when to put that out there and when to just turn the phone off. Other than possibly your mother, no one is going to care that you are not responding to them. No one is going to be hurt by your request to be left alone.
To You Who Are Trying To Help
I am sorry for your loss as well. You might not be a parent who lost a child, but a grandchild, niece, or nephew, child of a dear friend whom you were looking forward to watching grow. It is hard on everyone who loves the parent and child.
There Is No Right Thing
It is a hopeless feeling not to know how to help someone who is hurting. You want to help, but don’t know what to do or say, and what would have been beneficial an hour ago no longer is. There is no such thing as the right thing to say. I recommend asking the grieving parent. Ask what you can do to help. Ask what they would like to hear. Don’t assume the answer will be the same tomorrow.
Pray
Prayer is a powerful tool that gives us the power to move mountains. Praying for peace and strength is most likely the best thing you can do. I again encourage you to ask what specifically they would like prayer for. It is comforting to know that someone is petitioning the Lord on your behalf when you feel like you have no words of your own.
Closing Thoughts
I sincerely hope this post was able to help you, and you are able to find what you are looking for to help you through this tragic loss. I want you reassure you once more that you are not alone in this. Never be afraid to ask for help.
If you want to read my personal story, click here.
I would love nothing more than to be able to pray for you as you and your loved ones walk through this trying time. Please leave a comment or email me privately at [email protected]. I would be honored to be your digital solder to cry on.