A few months back, my husband and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary. It got me thinking about the books I read when we first got married, and I decided to revisit some of them. As we prepare to enter a new season of life, I wanted to remember what makes our marriage so wonderful. Hopefully, as we transition into parenthood, we will be able to maintain those thoughts in the back of our minds and maintain a thriving relationship.
I heard it said once that you have to remember the dog you brought home. I think that is very important to remember, and something I think most of these books demonstrate very well. You are the only one you can change. But changing your attitude will often have a direct impact on your partners and can elicit a change in them.
As said, I have only been married for a little over three years, and therefore am no marriage expert. I am simply a wife who is very committed to making her marriage work. Thankfully, we have never been on the verge of divorce. Unfortunately, that means I don’t have any crazy testimonies about how these books turned things around for us. I have found them helpful for a healthy relationship and think they could be beneficial for a not-so-healthy relationship.
1. The Power of The Praying… By Stormie Omartian
I left the ellipses so you can fill in either husband or wife appropriately. I have only ever read the wife option for obvious reasons, but I feel this has made the biggest impact on our marriage. Praying for someone with intentionality, and bringing before God specific aspects instead of your list of grievances, has great power.
There is conveniently one aspect for every day of the month. I wrote them out on a piece of paper that I keep in my Bible to remind me to pray for him each day. This was very helpful when he was deployed, and I didn’t know what was going on in his life that needed prayer. I think it has helped me to control some of the pregnancy-induced anger that I felt towards him as well.
2. Love and Respect By Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs
I know we have all been told that boys and girls are different, and I feel like Love and Respect really broke down how and the different needs that men and women have in their lives. Women primarily need to feel loved, and men primarily need to feel respected. The book provided practical ways for each person in the relationship to be able to give the other what it is they need. I also appreciated his acknowledgment that it is hard to give when you are not receiving, but someone has to start in order to break the “crazy cycle,” as Dr. Eggerichs calls it. I think that is the hardest part and biggest holdup for most people.
3. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work By Dr. John Gottman
As a bit of a nerd, I enjoy the scientific approach Dr. Gottman uses to study marriage and relationships. I like how the seven principles are a good mix of getting to know each other better as well as practical problem-solving tools. There are some activities for each of the principles to help you grow and learn more about each other.
I like to leave the book in the car. It provides some nice conversation starters when I don’t know what else to talk about, but wish to do so.
4. The 5 Love Languages By Dr. Gary Chapman
This is a classic option, but I have placed it lower on the list because I am not sure you need to read the book. If you are able to take the quiz and know how best to love and serve your spouse, it might not be a necessary read.
I have read the Military Edition as well. It was helpful in giving ideas on how to love your spouse while they are away for extended periods of time. This version could be helpful if there is a lot of travel in the relationship, even if it is outside of the military.
I would recommend periodically retaking the quiz. People change over time, especially after a major life event.
5. Challenge Books
I have read two challenge-type books. I think there is a benefit whether your relationship is struggling or not. If things are dicey, and you take the challenge seriously, there could be a wonderful change in your marriage. If things are going well, they are a nice reminder of why things are going well and a good encouragement to continue what you have been doing. They can provide you with ideas on how to better serve and love one another to make a good marriage great.
The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy By Drs. John and Julie Gottman
This is the shorter of the two. Similar to The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, it takes a more scientific approach to marriage. It teaches seven things that you can do to reconnect with your spouse and get back to knowing each other.
The nice thing about The Love Prescription is that there are more immediate results to the exercises, even if you are the only one reading the book and putting in the effort. Though much easier if your spouse is on board.
The Love Dare By Stephen and Alex Kendrick
The Love Dare is a Biblical approach to helping your marriage thrive. It is a 40-day challenge with smaller, more subtle things you can do to show your spouse you love and care for them. This challenge is easier to do by yourself if you have a hard time getting your partner on board. The smaller acts might take more time to get recognition, but I think they will have an overall greater impact as they begin to see the change in you.
There is also an online quiz you can take along with this book to help you identify areas of strength and weakness in your marriage.
I hope you find this helpful and that these books serve you to help you have the best marriages possible. If things are not going so good, the power of good Christian marriage counseling can not be underestimated. Never be afraid to reach out for help when needed.
If you have other books or resources that you have found helpful in your own marriages, please leave them in a comment. I would love to read them to help my marriage continue to grow!