I have said this time and time again, I am going to begin writing more. Then I don’t. Of course life gets in the way and to be honest I haven’t devoted time to it. I know this is something God wants me to be doing. I find myself stumped most of the time. I feel the need to tell my story. My full story. But I allow negative thoughts creep in and take over. Fear of what people will think of me prevents me from it. I have told bits of my (our) story. But not the full story as a whole. What it boils down to is that there are lots of pieces to it. In my mind, I am still trying to figure out how to piece it together. Heck, I am still living it out. But the story of how and when I began to fully surrender to the Lord is not your typical one. Or maybe it is and many others out there are also afraid to tell it. I don’t know, I can’t speak for anyone else but myself. And like my title states, to tell you my story is to tell you of Him. Here goes nothing….
2016 was a real doozy. I remember early that year feeling a pull from the Lord , drawing me near to Him. I began to read my morning devotions more and pray more. I began a prayer journal. I could tell there was something He was wanting me to do. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I sat down with my husband at the time, Jake, and told him I felt God was pulling at me but something was holding me back. Jake had began talking at a few churches around that time and I felt God was wanting us to share our story. When I sat down with Jake that day and shared my heart he said he wasn’t sure if that was something he wanted to do. Our story would have included a time when he was unfaithful during the first year of our marriage. I still couldn’t deny the tug at my heart though. It was as if God was little by little opening my eyes to something. Jake began to become distant from me. I broke my hand in April, our son was 15 months old, and it was like pulling teeth to get Jake to do anything for me. I remember asking him to help me put my hair up one day and he was so annoyed by it. I finally asked him one day if he was cheating again. He denied it of course. By May the tugging became so strong, a few days later while he was out working in the fields I decided I couldn’t take it any longer. I called and asked again and he finally admitted to seeing someone else. That night we talked and I asked if he would meet me at our pastors house. He would not. He began to sleep in the guest bedroom of our home. He was not willing to do anything to work on our marriage. He began to little by little tell me more and more of what he had done, not only this time but over the years. Come to find out he had been unfaithful the duration of our relationship of 10 years with multiple women. I finally asked him to leave and stay somewhere else. To say I was in shock, numb, sickened, hurt- is to say the least.
The following month my Pop became sicker and sicker and he passed away in July. My Granny and Pop have always been like a second set of parents to me and my older sister. We spent a lot of our life with them, their home was a second home and we share so so so many memories there. I am so thankful for them. His loss was so very hard, but the Lord carried me through.
Fast forward to the next month, Jake had still not made any strides in the direction of reconciling our relationship and had not stopped seeing this girl. I finally called him one day and asked him to come to the farm during Warren’s nap to talk face to face. I asked again if he would go to counseling or stop seeing that girl or anything in the direction of fixing our marriage, he couldn’t give me a straight answer. I told him I would give him until Monday and if he wasn’t willing to take a step in the right direction then we needed to look into filing for divorce.
Monday came, August 28th, 2016, I woke up in the middle of the night unable to move. I managed to get to the restroom and my upper back was locked up. I had never experienced this and so my mom came and stayed with Warren while Jake came and took me to the ER. They pumped me full of pain killers and muscle relaxers, apparently I was having stressed induced muscle spasms. My son woke and wanted me once I made it home but I couldn’t do much and needed to sleep. My mom said she would take him for a ride to see the school buses and get his mind off of me. Four hours later there was a banging on my door. I got up from a heavy sleep to see my sister-in-law distressed on my front porch. She said Warren and my mom had been in a pretty bad wreck and I needed to come with her. I was so out of it. I don’t even remember what my reaction was but I don’t think it was typical. On the way there she broke the news to me that the people in the other vehicle did not make it. My heart sank. We made it to the hospital where my Mom and Warren still were. They had checked him and said he was fine. My mom had some minor injuries. Once we were released to go home we decided to stay at my moms down the road. I could tell something wasn’t right with Warren’s neck. I called the hospital to confirm that his neck was scanned. They assured me it was. Told me it was probably stiff from whiplash and to rotate it from time to time. He was miserable. All night if I moved him from the fold in my arm he screamed, cried, and perspired profusely. The next day this continued and I decided to take him back to the hospital. I didn’t care if they thought I was crazy, I was having him checked again. Thank God for the Mama wisdom He gives because after 3 more scans they found a fracture in his neck. The top vertebrae. I did not know this at the time but it is the one that if is broken can cause paralysis and even death. They had St. Mary’s come and fly him (us) to Norton’s in Louisville where they treated him there.
I remember being so terrified in that helicopter, thinking Lord, are you going to use this to open Jake’s eyes. Warren strapped to the gurney, only able to hold onto my finger. He cried and cried until he finally fell asleep. Once we landed on the roof of Kosairs, he looked up as they rolled him off the chopper, and pointed and said “bawoons”. A sigh of relief came over me and I smiled. Yes son those are balloons. If you have ever driven by Norton’s in Louisville you have seen the balloons on the side of the building. For whatever reason this brought me some peace. He was feeling some sort of comfort in the midst of all of this.
We were there for a couple days and finally released. Went home in a neck brace that he had to wear at all times. Only changed out after baths where he had to be completely still. Not the easiest for a 18 month old. Took three of us at first for any of us to feel comfortable with it. I asked Jake to come home during this time to help. He stayed in the guest room until that Friday. A few of my best friends came down to help me with cleaning and laundry that day. Brought us ready cooked meals and were there to support me. Boy do I love those girls. While they were there they found a contreceptive in the washing machine. Come to find out while me and Warren were at my moms after the wreck, he brought her to our house, that is when I asked him to leave again.
A few weeks later I found earrings in the guest room and when my Papaw Fred got sick in September I remember realizing I just couldn’t do it anymore. I called Jake the day Fred died and asked him to file for divorce. It was the hardest thing ever but I knew emotionally, physically, mentally I had to. It was becoming unhealthy for me.
I look back in my prayer journal and see what a struggle it was for me to let go of Jake. Not only him but who I thought he was. Letting go of the idea of the family we had. Knowing Warren would have to grow up with divorced parents like I did and I just hated it. But I had to be obedient to where God was leading me. He was telling me to let go. Finding that condom and earrings wasn’t by chance. It was God, as I said back then jokingly (sorta), slapping me upside my head. Trying to make me see things for what they were. He is still healing me from this. I know that has been a bit ago but with all that happened, I never really got to process it all in a healthy way. God carried me through, I lean on HIM for everything now and it is because of 2016 that I do so with full confidence. He wants what is best for me and Warren. It may not look like what I thought it would but I trust Him. He has proven His love and faithfulness to me and Warren time and time again. No denying His love for us.
The doctor had Warren wear a neck brace for about 6-8 weeks. We had to go back for more MRIs and checkups for a time before he was fully released and cleared the end January 2017. February our divorce was final. I got the letter on Valentine’s Day, but I turned a page that day. I began pressing on. Growing stronger in my relationship with the Lord. Leaning completely on Him. Walking with the Lord is something I will never regret. It is because of my trials that I am in the relationship with the Lord that I am today. The verses Philippians 3:12-14 resonated so much with me back then and still does. Press On…
12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.