As I signed those dreaded divorce papers, I also signed my name off the deed of our house and farm. I felt as if my son and I were supposed to move back to my hometown. It made sense in my mind, move closer to family and friends. I began to search for houses on the outskirts of Henderson County. My heart still longed to live in the country, off the road, with plenty of room for us to all run and play, safely. I found a realtor and we began house hunting. The first house she wanted to show me ended up being my childhood home, in town. I was in shock! Even though it wasn’t in the country, it had been completely redone with all new, well, everything! As I drove to go see it, I prayed that He would make it oh so clear if I should make an offer or not. It seemed too good to be true. Then the phone rang, the money wasn’t where it needed to be to make an offer. Door closed. I went on and met with the realtor at the house, I still just had to see it. Walking in it was total deja vu. I opened the kitchen drawer that used to hold our silverware just to see if it still made that same noise it had when I was a kid, it did. I walked back to me and my sister’s rooms to see if our measurements were still in the closets, they were. Though it was nice reminiscing, my heart wasn’t at peace there. Not only had the Lord closed the door on me being able to make an offer that day, I knew in my heart it wasn’t where we were supposed to live.
We continued over the next few months looking at houses. Checking my Zillow app every day, finding houses that seemed right only to go view them and they just weren’t right for us. I prayed and prayed that the Lord would guide my steps in this. Not sure on my own which direction to turn. Then, one day, my son and I were in our kitchen in Nebo and he was crying. All children experience separation anxiety, but my son’s was a little more extreme due to all he had experienced during his first 18 months on this earth. I struggled to find the best ways to comfort him- stability and consistency are crucial in helping babies feel secure. I was at odds because of what life had thrown at us, and it hit me. What was the one thing I could keep consistent for him in this new life we were living, besides myself? Home. As we sat on our kitchen floor, both crying at this point, the word STAY was so vivid in mind. A peace flooded over me and it was as if a light bulb came on- STAY!!
It all seemed impossible. How would I stay? Our divorce agreement still allowed me to stay home with my son, thank the GOOD LORD. But that meant one less income. How would we do it. The Lord reminded me that “Nothing is impossible with Him.” -Luke -1:37. Now, here we are, 3 years later still in the place He has allowed us to be. I am so thankful for the blessings He so graciously has given to my son and I . We are in a unique situation only because of God’s greatness.
My son starts kindergarten in the fall of 2020, that is when a portion of our divorce agreement will come to an end. Though it still seems impossible for my son and I to stay here on the farm, I pray He makes a way, He has this far. My son and I have never gone without, the Lord as provided and will continue to. I will close with a passage of scripture He led me to at the beginning of all of this and still brings me so much peace today:
Genesis 50:19-21 (NIV)
..”Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So, then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.