It is hard letting go of dreams you have had for so long. Dreams you held so near and dear to your heart. Especially when having to let go was not your choice. When you are blindsided by someone you thought you knew. As God was nudging me into a direction unknown, truth began to come out little by little.
In the late Spring of 2016, after confronting my husband with my feelings of something being off, he finally admitted to being unfaithful again and I was in shock. To be honest, as a stay-at-home mom with a then 15 month old little boy I was in disbelief. Yes, he had been unfaithful in the past but to my knowledge, he had moved past that and we worked through it. After working through it, we decided to begin a family and our son came along. Being pregnant was one of the happiest times of my life. When we brought him to this world, we were both elated and so in love with this little chunky miracle God blessed us with. The thought of not only losing my husband but my family left me distraught– yet willing to fight for it. To be honest, at the time, divorce was the last thing I wanted, well, it was the last thing I ever wanted. I just knew we could work through this, again. With God, we could do anything. (Luke 1:37)
One of the first prayers written in my prayer journal during all this was, “Bring —- back to You and then back to me.” I believed wholeheartedly that He would make this happen for us. I was willing to fight for it no matter what. But as time went on, more and more truth was revealed to me. As much as I wanted to hold on, God was telling me to let go. He was trying to show me my husband was not who I thought he was. Our relationship was not what I thought it was. God slowly but surely, the more I sought Him, revealed more and more truth. I was in denial and fought Him on it for so long. Looking back, hindsight is 20/20, but during that time I could not wrap my head around it. I needed telling multiple times and shown, in some cases, over and over before I could believe it. God continued to show me where my husband’s heart was, and it was never with me the way it should have been. After finding out he was unfaithful the majority of our relationship with multiple people, I knew the problem was much deeper than me. It was something with my husband that I couldn’t fix. The only one that could fix it was Jesus and my husband had to want to, I learned overtime that it takes two. I couldn’t keep doing this on my own. It was impossible. Since then, I’ve told people in similar circumstances that it takes two, but that’s a false statement. It does take two, both parties, but God HAS to be at the center. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
Finally, I let go. Trusting that God was going to work things out for the best, whatever that may be. I still believed that God was going to do a work in him. During our separation and even after we filed for divorce, there were opportunities I would see coming and think, “this is the day, he’s going to turn it all around.” Only to be let down, time and time again. We can’t put our faith in any person. People will fail us. We all fail daily. We have to be willing to allow God to do a work in us, we cannot do it on our own. I learned that I had to put my full faith in God and it is hard. I still struggle to this day with fully letting go of control of things and allowing God to take over. One thing though, as I look back, I am finally at a point that I can begin to see a bigger picture. He continues to show me “…My ways are higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9) I still have the same dreams and desires to have a husband and a family–whatever that may look like & one day I believe I will. In this time of waiting…I am TRYING my best to trust, hope, and wait as I seek Him. Keep those prayers coming!!